Snipet of Constance: Ch.4- Blazing Along the Watery Trail

   In lieu of another 'Contemplation of a Fat Girl' this week, I have been working on the story I've been creating. This is a bit from the latest chapter of Constance. Sorry it's not perfect, I haven't gone over it a dozen times yet, but as I am also not perfect... You get the drift, right?  

 ...

          “Would ya look at that.” She smiled. “Day’s almost over with nothin’ major.”

            The words exited her mouth accompanied by a low rumble. They looked around to see if it was something inside the shop causing it. There wasn’t. The sound was getting closer and louder. Joanne tapped her foot against the floor; she could feel the vibrations running through the wood counter top under her fingers. She pursed her lips. Of course, nothing about this week was going smoothly. Yes, more people where bound to come in, but her windows were beginning to rattle and that annoyed her. Joanne’s ears perked; the distinguished sound of revving engines became more apparent. Sam could tell something had suddenly clicked in her mind. She gave a wicked grin, reached under the counter and pulled out a shotgun. Sam took a concerned step back. The devilish look reached her eyes, shimmering brightly. She gave him a quick pat on the shoulder.

            “No worries sugar. Just going ta teach some old dogs a new trick.”

            She walked out the door and into the middle of the road. Sam followed her, but she motioned for him to stay on the sidewalk with Constance who sat in front of a stoic Pravar, posing with a drawn bow and arrow facing the ceiling. In his Native American garb and wood paint, Pravar reminded Sam of the character on the wrapper of a tootsie pop. If the wrapper had that character on it, he used get another tootsie pop for free; but that was a long time ago and no longer applied. Sam and Constance covered their ears, the rumbling of the engines becoming deafening. Over the hill and past a small cloud of dirt, a gang of motorcycles poured into the Hollow. The muscular man at the head of the pack, leading them, wore a black leather bandana over his head with matching knuckle gloves and a tight leather coat with short fringe up the arms, leather chaps covered his faded blue jeans. Black goggles and a black and blue bandana covered his nose and mouth, giving him an intentional air of foreboding. His chopper was elegantly curved but simple, painted raven black and dark silver with streaks of deep green flowing down the sides, the stainless steel frame blued. The seventeen others riding behind him were all clad in leather, each of their cycles equally customized. They slowed their pace as they came upon Joanne. She raised the 12 gauge at an angle in the air, bracing the butt against her hip. She waited until they got closer.

            “And fire.” Sam heard Constance say, ears still covered.

            Boom!

            The sounds reverberated through the Hollow. The group stopped instantly in the middle of the road and shut off their motors.

            The leader sat and looked at the woman who now had the shotgun slung over her shoulder, one hip jutted out to the side, her stance wide. Joanne stared them down with a sense of expectancy. The leader kicked out his stand, dismounted, and began walking towards her slowly.

            The men behind him tensed.

            “You,” she started as he came closer, “Should know better by now... Dan.”

            A light, exuberant laughter came from behind the bandana of the doomish looking man. He threw his head back and gave a whoop. With a couple giant strides, he pulled down the cloth over his mouth, grabbed Joanne around the waist and picked her up with a slight twist. She giggled and wrapped her spare arm around his neck, snagging his goggles off his head. His pale green eyes were lost in his smile as he kissed her roughly before twirling her around, the shot gun lodged awkwardly between them. They laughed like foolish children. Constance sighed happily and leaned over to rest her head on Sam’s shoulder who watched them nonplussed.

            “I love it when Dan comes into town. He puts Joanne in such a good mood” she looked up at Pravar.

            He gave her a wink before returning to his pose.

            Dan turned and waved for his friends to park their bikes, the tension from the moment before gone.

            She looked behind him and nodded to the two men who rode to the flank of Dan.

            “Jeremy. Dave.” She nodded at them with a bemused smile. They placed their goggles on the top of their helmets.

            “Good to see you again Joanne.” They said in unison before walking their bikes off the road.

            “Y’all ‘re the loudest bunch.” Joanne chided Dan.

            He smiled, his pearly white teeth flashing in the sun. He set her down, arms still around her.

            “I just wanted you to know I was here” He teased, giving her one last kiss on the forehead before returning to move his bike from the middle of the road.

            “An’ now so does everyone in’na state.” She shot back.

             Joanne gave a contented sigh and walked back into the Mercantile.

            “All right all right.” She waved a dismissive hand at the group on the sidewalk, although she couldn’t hide her smile. “Fun’s over, back ta work.”

            Constance grinned at her and with assistance from Sam, got up and went back into the Lodge. Sam followed Joanne who was already placing the gun back in its spot. She glanced up at Sam.

            “Sorry if I startled ya sugar. Normally don’t pull this out ‘cept for when Aire drags a couple coyot’s in from the desert.”

            Sam shook his head.

            “It’s all right.” He replied.

            “If ya don’t mind helpin’ these gentlemen out. They’re a harmless group, won’t bite.” She said with a slight smile.

            “Well I might.” Dan interjected, striding through the door. “But only her.” He grinned.

            The others filed into the shop behind him, several whispering quick apologies for the noise and paying their respects to Joanne as they walked by.

            “And how’s my favorite cowgirl been?” Dan asked, leaning on the counter. Having taken off his leather bandana, his sandy blonde bangs swept in front of his eyes.

            Joanne propped herself up against counter behind her.

            “Been dandy.” She replied with a warm smile, “What brings you boys out here? Already that time a’ year?”

            Dan nodded.

            “That it is. Annual run for the club. We got some great weather for it too. It was barely misting when we left Berkley.”

            Some of the guys hooted in agreement.

            As Joanne and Dan bantered, Sam looked at the motley crew. He noticed some were the quintessential ideal of what one would suspect a biker to look like- tattoos covering their arms, wind burnt faces and long unruly beards- however others looked like they could be perfectly at home on Wall Street, trading fortunes and eating caviar off the slender belly of a human sushi bar.   

            “It’s rare for someone to be here that I don’t know.” Dan looked was looking at Sam. “New resident?”

            “Ah, this one’s a bit stranded until we find ‘im a safe way home.” Said Joanne, an apologetic look in her eye.

            “Oh? How’d you get stuck here? Not that there isn’t any place better to be stuck in.” Dan asked Sam giving a quick wink to Joanne, Sam drawing his attentions to the conversation after directing one burly man to the swirly straws.

            “It’s a long story.” Sam sighed.

            Dan chuckled. “Aren’t they always?”

            Sam nodded.

            “The long short of it,” Joanne interrupted, “is Sam here needs a ride back ta school in Los Angeles.”

            Sam nodded again.

            “Before Rose figures out I didn’t make it back to the dorms and alerts the National Guard.” He said with a wince. She’d probably try it too, he thought

            “Dorms?” Dan raised an eyebrow, looking Sam up and down. “Isn’t there an age limit?”

            He looked at Joanne. She put up a hand with a slight shake of her head; as always, she’d tell him later.

            Sam gave him an odd look, not understanding what he meant. ‘I’m only 19’, he thought. Joanne gave Sam a quick smile and asked him to ring up the sales of a couple of Dan’s friends as the others still milled about.

            Joanne and Dan talked in lowered voices for a moment down the counter, Joanne quickly recounting what she knew and the how and why Sam was currently stuck there.

            “Oh, I see.” He said. “Well Sam, I’ll tell you what. My friends and I are riding to Corpus Christy in Texas. I’m heading back here after that. If you haven’t found a ride in three days, I’ll check your friend’s machine. If I can’t make it work, I’ll take you home myself. Might not be optimal, but it’s better that nothing.”

            “Thanks, but there’s no need to take me home yourself.” Sam started.

            “It’s not a bother.” Dan interjected, “I have to head back in that direction eventually anyways.”

            “I’m sure yer students are happy ta get rid of ya.” Joanne teased.

            “Nonsense! I’m have an awesome class! And they have a teacher who rocks. It all works out in the end.” Dan laughed.

            At Sam’s quizzical look, Joanne added.

            “Dan here is a tenured professor of Cultural Anthropology at Berkley.”

            Dan puffed out his chest in jest.

            “A rockin’ professor.” He insisted. ”I had them put it on my doctorate even.”

            Joanne rolled her eyes. “Yeah yeah.”

          

Contemplations of a Fat Girl: The Mantra Ode de Blubber

    Welcome back to another bout of bountiful contemplation and anecdotal insight from your favorite (or at least congenially amusing) Fat Girl and Bar Stool Shrink (as proclaimed by some very drunk guy a few months back)! Since my last scribblings, I haven't been sure where to go from where I left off. I wanted to explain some fears, but the spectrum is so broad that I don't quite know where to start without straying off the topic and ranting on for a few hours before trying to tie it all in with one last, paragraphically Puckish sentence. So we begin with the mantra every fat person knows.

    Let's start with something personal, shall we? Last week, I drew a rune from a set I've had since right before high school. (This part is important, despite how some people may think it's silly and others may judge me harshly. However, even though I don't prescribe to any religion, my grams, a devote Lutheran, draws runes too; she always has and says it's an important part of out Nordic heritage. So neener-neener. I feel validated.) The rune I drew said, basically, that I'd finally hit my stride in life, that I was accomplishing my

goals and evolving myself nicely (again, paraphrasing). However, I shouldn't start anything new and throw myself at it, because it wouldn't go over like I wanted it too. Well, I've hit my stride at my current workplace, my friends here on the island are freaking solid as the lava that keeps cutting us as waves send us through the washer, I'm going to the gym regularly and seeing small little changes here and there that are enough to make me ecstatic, my hair's even longer! Even with a back injury and cold, it's still been a rocking several months. Then, all of a sudden, there's this cool guy I meet (What? You expected him to be boring? Psh.)! I end up hanging around him a bit. We talk. He walks me home because his place is in the same line. I think, hmm, things are going well, but as the saying so popular in Korean dramas goes, 'I got too greedy.' Suddenly, (I think a friend mentioned something to him), he becomes evasive-ish. Like back in middle school, where that cool kid, you know the one, hears through the grapevine you have the hots for him and for the rest of the year, gives you that awkward sort-of half smile in the hallways and walks past you with expediency. Now, here's the tie-in, even if it's nothing to do with how I look; I could have stuff in my teeth or maybe just a terrible personality, possibly it's just the fates saying, 'Hey, don't freaking ignore us! Rude.' or he's simply not thinking one way or another about me, has nothing even to do with me- all this is beside the point, because my first thought is, and always has been, "It's because I'm fat.".

    There it is! The single, most suffocating, demoralizing and number one reason why fat people find it hard(not impossible) to change. Four, mostly monosyllabic, slightly contracted, words that limit everything we do. In them hides all our fears about ourselves, anxieties for our bodies and judgements on how other people perceive us. It's also our number one excuse.
"It's because I'm fat that I can't start running."
"...That those guys at Best Buy never help me, even when I'm clearly looking dazed and confused."
"...That the hot guy/girl doesn't notice me, but will talk to my hot friends."
"...That I won't get that promotion."
"...That I don't have the courage to talk to that person."
"...That I'm afraid to go to the gym, because everyone will judge me."
"...That I can't wear pretty clothes, I'll look ridiculous, like that Hippo from Fantasia."
"...That we won't be anything more than 'just friends'."
"...That I can't join in, because everyone will see I can't keep up. Or I'll let everyone down."

    The list is pretty infinite and the emphasis varies from person to person; and it's silly to assume that any individual doesn't have those exact same fears for different reasons, whether it's physical, a lack of skills or fear that your personality's lacking; we all have these. Thus, you may think there is no validity here, that it's all a bunch of excuses and whining, but when it's the same saying for everyone who falls into the fat, fluffy and 'Daaamn!' category, it's worth taking note of. Someone, more inspirational than myself, could say, "Just turn the it around! Say, instead, "..."" See, I've got nothing. Truthfully, in the end, one-liners don't work when dealing with a cacophony of others' blithe commentaries and your own viscous voice of self-doubt and loathing(and that's not even me being dramatic). This is because there's a certain level of truth to it. From conscious to subconscious, much of it's a learned behavior, backed up by societal interpretations of the body image. Let's explore one, shall we? With more bulletin points! I know how you've missed them.

Today we'll look at how fat people are effected by the voices and people around them. And there are voices, oh so many voices...

• Parents- That's right, whether you were fat since you were younger, to even older ages, unintentionally or not, any snide, bitchy, flippant or otherwise, comment from a parental unit can start the turning of the brain to the dark side, if it wasn't there already. Even parents who aren't highly affectionate and practically speak in tongues can do irreparable harm to their child's psyche even when they're used it. For instance, "He would have liked you if you if you weren't fat." That's kind of an obvious and scarring one. Or, "He'll need a large size... you know... because he's big..." Obvious statement, but still hurtful. "If you just lost a few pounds, that dress/shirt/pants/skirt/socks/bandana/bathing suit/leg warmers might have looked good on you" Very possible, but why can't something be found that will look good now? Ooh! And a classic, "*pokes at belly fat* Is that a beer baby?" I heard a friends mom say that once, he blushed and tried to 'shoo' her away. They're our parents after all, even if we don't want to admit it, their words can seep into our skins like a chill in the mountains and without proper contemplation, one may never realize how a single comment affected us so directly. 

• Siblings- Oh siblings... Depending on your relationship, the age gap and in which way the 'gap' scale slides (no pun intended), if you have/had a tumultuous relationship with siblings closer to your actual age, on average, you've heard your share of jokes about whatever characteristic you have that isn't flawless; and in a sibling rivalry, there is no such thing as flawless... lest they make fun of you for that. And should their friends band together to tease you- as any good friend would, to take down the evil sibling- then affect is that much greater. On the half, those comments easily bounce off our thickened hides, after all, we're bickering at each other getting our share of shot in too. To the other half... Let's just say I know a very pretty and in-shape lass who truly believed she was fat every time her brother would say so. He was kind of a jerk. After all, like our parents, we see them everyday, and the constant nagging can wear you down like the gazelle being chased by a lion, toying with you until they finally grab you by the jugular and topple you too the ground.
• Friends- Unless they are the no B.S. type and tell you everything straight out, we're don't  believe you when you say we 'look fine' in whatever it is we're asking you about. Whether it's because you're too close to be subjective, not paying attention or just lying through your teeth, the mirror already told us all our flaws that we've spent countless hours obsessing over and if you can't point even one of them out with your awesome Jedi Mind Tricks (which you'll need because a good portion of perceived flaws are nothing out of the ordinary to someone else.), then were going to assume we look worse than we ever actually did.
  This may be geared more towards women...
• Any Guy/Girl- Who gave 'the look' (there's a lot of 'the look's, but there's normally a degree of arrogance mixed with a pinch of disdain), or said something slightly snide/distant about... well... anything frankly- it is taken in and despite many peoples best efforts, internalized as material to build a case as to why you're too fat to talk to the hotties or anyone else for that matter, whether it's at a bar, club, or waiting in line at the neighborhood Safeway. Strangers can utterly shatter the shreds of self confidence a person has been pretending to have. Is it a good thing to care that much? Hell no. But unless they've found solid ground, emotionally, to stand on and stare out at the world unfailingly at, these strangers, whose names they'll never know, will get in and secure all one's insecurities with that single look.   
• Department Store Sales People and Everyone Else- During the production of 'Shallow Hal', Gwyneth Paltrow wore a 25lb fat suit that added nearly 300 extra visible pounds of fake flesh. As she walked through the lobby of the very swanky hotel she was staying in, fully clothed and make-up'ed for the movie, she told reporters later how startling it was to see how people acted around her in her obese state. No one made eye contact and in stores, sales people treated her like Julia Roberts in the beginning of 'Pretty Woman', not wanting to help her and being all-around not what she'd ever experienced before. She is Gwyneth. Freaking. Size 2. Paltrow after all. And was awesome in 'The Producers'. Just saying.
  No matter how you spin it, up until about five years ago, department stores only had a single corner of muumuu'esque looking frocks for plus sized women and men had to go to the Big & Tall stores. Although I don't know how the guys service was, most of the sales people avoided helping you in the women's departments. 

    This is me, keeping it short today. There's a point we all reach, or will(hopefully) where the words of others, although still noticed, begin affecting us less and less and more powerful thoughts override the negativity, such as, 'I won't always be like this.' It's a long-ass road to get to this point. Some people can't do it without the support of family, friends, loved ones or even a group of individuals just like them. Others, even with support, won't reach this point until they've muddled through the swampy waters and had their, 'Oh!' moment and slowly leverage through with their own determinations. Whether it comes from a doctor saying, "Look, in ten years, I'll be golfing in Hawaii. Do you know where you'll be if you keep this shit up? Well, you might have your ashes spread in Hawaii, but unless you believe in a religion, that's going to be about as far as you're going." or realizing you won't be able to play with your kids with the shape your in now- the 'Oh!' moment is imperative. As for me, after getting past numerous fears I can tell you all about later, my 'Oh!' moment was this: "Hey. For a chick who really loves zombies and has a dozen contingency plans for a zombie apocalypse, I won't be able to actually run away, in order to survive. I'll probably be one of those people who's eaten right off the bat, not even turn into a zombie, just end up a smear of blood and a broken ulna on the sidewalk... Well that sucks... I should probably fix that." No joke. That was my motivation. A look at my survival instincts, and lack there of. Also, I want to learn Parkour. I won't be in the right condition to learn it for probably another year or so, but if I don't start now, it'll be even longer... right? Right.


Next time we'll cover fears, especially fears about working out. And I'll try not to write it while falling asleep at 3am, like I did most of this one. Promise! 

Until then! 'Gentles, do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will mend.' Thanks for reading! Now go give a stranger a smile! If nothing else, it'll be amusing for you!

Sincerely,
Dust in the Wind

Contemplations of a Fat Girl: The Beginning

     I want to make one thing clear: If you could hear my tone, you'd know I'm not writing this to whine, cry, kvetch, be angry at the world or get down on myself. That's not who I am, although I'm sure that was a big part of my daily life years ago. Probably all at once... Well... not the crying, I've never been big on that.
I don't really feel comfortable writing about this subject toward the general populace either, even if I have a near lifetimes worth of knowledge and anecdotes for it, which flow seamlessly in my head. However, with so many other people who breach the societal weight class, if nothing else, maybe someone reading this will have an 'Oh!' moment or... I think it's the same thing all writers want when sharing their thoughts; they hope that if, for even a second, it will cause someone to think in a different way or feel connected to the subject and thus not so alone, that the embarrassment stemming from sharing a part of themselves so openly will be worth it. So here it goes!

    I wish to introduce to you, myself. I won't tell you my exact weight, but I can tell you it is well over 200 pounds and has been for a good portion of my life. Before high school even. Most people don't believe me, not that they think I look thin, but they don't think I weight so MUCH more than they're guessing. I tell them it's because I'm lucky enough to carry it well, genetically speaking. In the back of my mind though, the thought is, 'if you can't see it as much on the outside, doesn't that mean it's all in my arteries?' It's a chilling realization. I first had it when I was 16. My mum, Lew and I were doing the Atkins diet for almost 4 months when the creator died. He so strongly believed in his methods, that he followed the diet himself, but when they did his autopsy they found his veins completely clogged with fat. Although some of his point were valid, the overall diet was not considered very healthy. That's the rumor I heard. Still, it made me think about my own arteries and had my own 'Oh!' moment (no one said that 'Oh!' moments are always happy ones). Although I was making splendid progress at the time and felt better, more lively, we went off the diet and I lost my confidence again.
Over the years, I haven't gained more than 10-15 pounds more than I weighed then. I know enough about nutrition and health from the various fat camps, nutritionists and classes to keep my ass from burgeoning much wider. I work on my feet, constantly moving and visit a gym across from work regularly now, so that is helping a lot.
I got over my infatuation for candies (mostly taste like chemicals anyway), ice cream and sugary drinks. I still love baked goods and have moved on to alcoholic drinks, which are a type of sugar (not helpful). However, I avoid bringing that stuff home anymore, stockpiling in the fridge with two packages of oreo's sitting, half eaten, on the counter. If I want it, I go out and buy one of something and eat it at the restaurant or on my walk home. Not have enough crap- chips, soda, candy and Safeway bakery cookies- to fill up a trash can or two (which I once did when I realized that things were getting out of control and decided to throw it all away. It was a shocking experience and the right decision in the end, even if I was pouting at myself for being so wasteful the rest of the day. I even thought, 'if I just eat it all now, then there'd be nothing left, it's the same thing'... It is not, by the way). I have a roommate who makes delicious cupcakes though, my control falters a bit there. For instance, I just had a cupcake which is breakfast/lunch for today. I usually forget to eat all together until really late on my days off.

    My first contemplation for all of you is on the beginning of the cycle, the reason on why one becomes fat in the first place, and why, when most of our bodies aren't meant to be that heavy, we stay there- it's almost a desperate insistence.
Let's bullet point some of the reasons for weight gain shall we?

•  Big boned-ness- Genetically speaking, some peoples bodies are meant to carry more weight, their infrastructure allows for it. These people are often time considered heavy or obese by medical scale and societal standards, but that, in no way, means they are unhealthy. In fact, there is a propensity of being reaaaaally fragging strong. But let's be honest, I've even seen my own xrays from dentist offices and such, I'm not big boned. Most people are not, it's a very small amount of the genetic populace actually; Samoans and Eskimos come to mind... Direct descendants of smaller indigenous populations, maybe some Swedes... A genetic mutation or two. It's still a widely used excuse though, because no matter the real reason of your weight, if you can't remember, or have never seen a thinner version of yourself, it's the safest excuse you've got. 
• Childhood trauma- This can be anything from the popular boy in class calling you ugly when you had a crush on him, to (and sadly in many instances) sexual abuse. The range is huge, and when we're children we're very vulnerable; a simple, careless comment from a parents can shadow their kids mind for a lifetime. As we were all kids once, (I'm very sure of this), you know what I'm talking about. Unless we take the time and put in some serious mental effort, or hire some one to help us explore those memories and how they affected us and the many aspects of our growing lives, one may never get past that emotional hump, and so shall their rump remain. Some problems may be considered forever unresolved, especially if it's a delicate family issue, or maybe they're all just THAT stupidly stubborn and want you to keep your head in the sand with them. It's easier than having to wipe all the little bits of sand from ones eyes and actually look at one another. Everyone knows it's a hassle to see stuff and people. Geez. Inside of childhood traumas, we put on the weight (consciously or subconsciously) for several reasons or a mixture of them.
• To hide- as you get fatter, less people notice you, and/or cast you out of their minds because you are fat, it's unpleasant to them. If it's someone who hurt you, and you hope they don't notice you again, then gaining weight and fast is something your mind might actually do for you, depending on the amount of fear you're feeling.
• Comfort- as they say, a lot's of people eat to comfort themselves, kids eat even worse stuff because they associate sweets often with filial love and adoration. Sweets are a treat. They're given to us as kids, especially if you had a mom like mine, sparingly. If you did something good, if you got sick, behaved well at the dentists or optometrists office, if she was just thinking of you and thought that the tootsie pop would make you happy because you had a hard test that day. These aren't just tasty sugary bits to us, they're a smile, a hug, a pat on the back. If something traumatizing happens to a child, they'll seek out what comforts them. If, in the case of a divorce, the child doesn't feel they can talk to their parents, or feels as if the family is falling apart, they will start seeking out that which was comforting, even if it wasn't handed to them by the parent, because even if it is such a simple thing as a snickers bar, there's warmth in the memory, just holding it in your hands makes you feel better. And then, if everyone else is too busy to notice, it can rapidly spin out of control.
• Attention- 'My dad doesn't notice me anymore'. Kids don't think of why that is. Whether he's in midlife crisis or having an affair, struggling at work, struggling in his marriage- it's very likely he doesn't realize his kid sensed a change in his focus at home. But kids are crazy perceptive and even if we don't know or understand all the details, we can sense the change in energies, tone and attention. After all, parents or guardians are usually the only people we see everyday for our adolescent lives, why wouldn't kids know their rhythm? So, to get attention, kids go a couple ways. 
• Emotional- as in either acting out or receding into their own mental space, locking everyone else out so they can't be hurt. 
• Bodily- crazy stunts that send them to the hospital, self mutilation, change of appearance (ie: hair dyeing, piercings, as you get older, tattoos), and, you got it, gaining weight. Because nothing screams please notice me like an extra hundred pounds.
  Most of the time, when it comes to getting attention, the child ceases to care about themselves and is only focused on how to affect their parents attentions. After all, it's only natural that you want someone you've always loved and been loved by to be there with you as you continue growing.

• Anger- because you don't know what else to do, so why not hurt your body to match how much you heart aches? At least you'll feel consistent. The bigger you get, the more justified you'll feel, and with that justification, eventually the pain will stop... right? Under this also falls- To Prove Them Wrong and To Prove Them Right.
• To Feel Grown Up- This one I rather recognize in myself the most. Sure others points play a part, but upon reflection, I can remember actually being happy because one day I noticed that my calves were really big, I'd gained muscle that was more like an adults. I didn't think for a second, (even when I pointed it out to my dad enthusiastically, ignoring the concerned look on his face), that they'd gotten that big because they had to support my weight. Those thoughts don't come later until you take classes like anatomy and learn how the body works or someone points it out... or both... When you're young, you notice that, even if you understand and could add thoughts to an 'adult conversation', they, like the big kids on the neighborhood basketball court, won't let you join in. Why? Because they assume you don't get the subject and wish to continue on without having to possibly break everything down so that a child can understand. Maybe you wanted to grow up because you don't like or understand the kids in your middle school class and the feeling is mutual, but you do like those awesome older people that hang out in front of the bookstore, who casually talk to you like you're a person and seem free and untethered. Perhaps it's because you feel, if you could only grow up a little bit faster, you could change things, have your family rely on you, protect yourself because you don't feel there's anyone around who will do it for you. Thousands of reasons to want to become older, and then that translates to bigger, next thing you know, you're celebrating being only 12 and heavier than your step-mom because she's 125lbs and you're up at 152lbs and can barely fit into her old clothes. That must mean you've grown up, right?

• Your Parents Never Told You "NO!"- Whether it's because they wanted you to feel like you could have everything you ever wanted without showing any restraint or consequences or over-compensating for glitches in the parents own behavior. Possibly they don't understand health and have a unhealthy lifestyle themselves- thinking that a plate lunch of teriyaki chicken, mac salad and rice is healthy- or worse yet, because they just didn't give a flying monkeys banana and the handful of skittles at 10pm got you to leave them alone, some kids grew up eating whatever they want. They have no idea what is healthy and not healthy, what may do serious long term damage or not and frankly, because they are kids and their parents let them get away with it for whatever reason, they don't care. Not as kids, and unless someone, whom they care about in their lives, expresses some major and sincere concern, they will likely never change. I remember when a couple cousins came to visit and stay with my grandparents for a week during summer break. They brought POUNDS of the candies you get from the bin section in a grocery store. The girls were eating it as if it was a food group. Well my grams (who always keeps a full cookie jar and offers ice cream at the end of dinner ever since I can remember, my point being, my grams is not strict against sugar) would not have that sort of behavior in her house, it was too much, and rightly so  confiscated the candy from them. However, despite her best efforts, my cousins began sneaking their candy late at night. I remember how pissed my grams was at them, and their parents for one, giving them the candy in the first place and two that their craving was so strong for it that it had skipped well past 'want' and straight into addiction. Needless to say, she banned sweet anything for the rest of the week and threw everything away.If you don't think this extends into adulthood, you only have to google, 'Woman/Man Freaks Out Over Chicken McNuggets' and you'll see what I mean.
• Adult trauma- Weight gain from adult trauma is much the same as childhood trauma only now we have more knowledge on how to make things bottom out faster, more emotions to pull from to drag one even lower, no parent (usually, because you're probably not living with them, or at least living a separate life from them) to stop us and the income and age to do whatever we damn well please. Unlike childhood trauma, where the kid might not remember anymore what it was like to be more healthy, a previously healthy or at least thinner adult will begin despising their new body and either get themselves down for it in an emotionally abusive way which triggers the comfort response of food again or begins to hate on whoever triggered the change and begins angry eating again. Often times, because of the sudden gain of pounds, the body doesn't know how or where to put the weight and this is where you get those people who only weight 180lbs but look around 300lbs.
• Medical Issues- One boy I knew in my youth and grew up with, was a rather wild and rambunctious character. He was a couple years younger than me but we both liked playing veterinarian with his stuffed animals on his bunk bed. One day, he needed a new kidney. Luckily his mum was a match and everything was successful. However the medication he had to take made him gain a lot of weight. Almost a shocking amount. Later in life, more toward adulthood, he was able to DDR the weight off, but that doesn't mean he won't have to continually fight for his body to stay that way. Even my mum was thin until she had gall stones. Medical issues can ruin the most sculpted and Herculean of bodies. It's sad, and sometimes there's nothing you can do but to remain optimistic, adjust and try. Under this, I would also place diagnosed mental illness and thyroid issues.
• You Just Don't Care- Yes, weirdly enough, there are those who either always tried too hard and now they just want to relax (valid), got into a relationship and now don't think they should have to try anymore (silly), and those that just give up or don't honestly care (get you hormone and chemical levels checked, could be a sign of depression. It's very popular these days). 

    And there you have it! The beginning for most of us. I'm going to stop here for today. All this typing is making my brain feel sluggish from all this engorged contemplation, the sun is setting and I should probably move around and work off that cupcake. Oh, eating dinner might be good too... Honestly, so much to do with so little time.
Thanks for reading! Stay Tuned for Part Two! What will it be about? "The World May Never Know!"

Sincerely,
Dust in the Wind